interpretation of being

2006-06-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

The little talkative boy used to talk a lot about what he thought. There was only one ear for him to listen. An old man he called grandpapa, was the only one who loved his thoughts. The only one who, listened to him in a careful way.
The boy told his story about his newest thought. Grandpapa was sitting close to window looking out to the landscape outside while there was no sign of attention he was thinking carefully about what he was telling. He used to be quiet while he was talking but the boy was always waiting for the end that he told his ideas about what he had thought. To him it was the best part of his life. Moreover, it was the routine way of their meetings.
He loved thinking maybe not because of the beauty of thinking itself but because of the words, he used to hear from this old man after each conversation they had.
What grandpapa told him was leading him to newest things. It let him to think over them and build some thing new on them.
The last time he was talking with him he had wonderful ideas. He was so pleased with himself, and what he had discovered. He was talking too fast because he wanted to hear his ideas sooner. He finished but there was no reply from grandpapa but a smile and a gesture of his hand showing him the exit door!
He thought that maybe he is tired and needed to rest so he left immediately.
He tried to think about some thing new. Nevertheless, it was not easy. It was years that the advice of grandpapa had shown him the way to new things.
He could not find new things but he could not go to him with out new things. It was a secret rule between them and he could not break it.
It took a lot time until he could find some thing new or in other word a good excuse for meeting the loving grandpapa.
He went to him and talked for an hour but at the end, the same with last time happened.
What had happened to him? He asked himself but could not find any answer.
However, the fact was that he loved him so much that could not forget about him easily. Therefore, he continued thinking. He was used to the new situation and he was happy that at least grandpapa was listening to him.
The last time he was talking with him he realized that grandpapa is looking at him enthusiastically, with a great smile. Then he realized the way he is looking at him was very different from former time.
With this new look, he had realized that some thing must had been changed. Then he saw himself in the iris of grandpapa, he was not that little boy anymore he got older and maybe it was the reason of that strange look.
Therefore, he supposed it was a new trick of grandpapa.
He continued to this way with this hope that he was listening to him as he did before. However, it did not take much time until he realized the reason of his silence. The poor old man had become deaf, and he could not hear his ideas any more! He just pretended listening to him but it could not be continue forever.
He realized all this time he was talking in vain to void. He was not able of hearing him.
It took a lot time until he could understand what has happened to him, he was a lone and it was the only fact.
He had two choices: one to forget about that nice old man and live his life without him and the other to continue his life in this new way with out any reply.

Let me tell you about the advantages of poverty:

2006-05-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

First, I want to categorize people to two groups; one those people who in my idea (of course at moment) cannot understand any thing in life [I consider that living must be accompany always by thinking] or in other word damn people. Next group is consisting of intelligent people.
I believe
Damn people are enjoying their life with considering their physical needs such as, eating, having fun, and entertainment and…
Intelligent people are those who attention to both physical and mental needs. With mental needs, I meant studying, searching, investigation and in short trying systematically to gain or discover something.
Now
Pay attention that one of the most beautiful advantages of a poor human is that he or she has not got any place in one of these two groups.
Reason:
For enjoying yourself, you need money.
For education and learning, you will need even more money!
So if you are a poor intelligent person, the situation became worse, because the unbearable pain of staying the same will be add to previous sorrows.
Therefore, if I forget about the damn poor people, I can say the intelligent poor people must be place at the middle of my categorization.
There seems to be no way for them to find a place in a higher rank. it can not be justice.

Strange Experience

2006-04-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

I had a strange dream last night. I have seen all the people I have met and all things I have the done in my life during this dream. Moreover, I have experienced my death, I was scare full because I was thinking what would happen for me after dying and I could not realize. I have always though death is something really usual and natural but what I have experienced was frightening. Where I was going? What would happen to me? After that, I dreamed I was falling from sky to earth but when I was going to crash to it, some one put me calmly on the earth and it was when I could feel I am in my bed and sleeping the nightmare was over.

Down

2006-04-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

I am coming down and downer. Maybe it is the only important progress in my life.

The way they have grown me; I mean parents, schools [I have experienced many of them in my lifetime] and the religious believes which have been spreading all over my life; In my parents training, the school courses or the friends who has been growing in this routine way and … all this have made me to stay above in the sky and I had no idea that it might be a wrong way in living life.

Nevertheless, I am trying to come down and live where has been built for me. Where can suite my desire and willing. I am trying and I have been successful to some extent, but the best time of my life will be that moment which I could come down completely. When I can feel the earth with my feet closely. When I feel I am a real part of it.

suicide

2006-04-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

When I cannot find any reason for living:
Do I have this right to kill myself?
Of course, I haven’t got any special reason for killing myself at moment! Nevertheless, what will happen in future?
Can I kill myself while I can hardly kill a fly!

2006-04-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

With the hope of finding the answer of my questions, I started reading book. I read many book in relation to my thought to find my answers. At first, reading that entire book seemed so impossible to me and I thought if I could read them all I could get the reason of…
Now I almost read all what I planed to read and I could not find any answer in them the only things these books have given me is more question and doubt!
To my wonder those books which had won Nobel were worse than others in increasing my doubt. The writer of those books has won a prize because they add much more doubt to this world? It seems so ridicules!
According to the religious believes I can wait for a good life after death but all these are ridicules, I have realized one thing for sure:
I must forget about what this country and religious has learnt me. There is only a single life for me that is what I am performing, it is what I believe. According to this belief, I knew that all these moment, has made my life and nothing else!
Nevertheless, why I can’t use this moment? Why I can’t enjoy them or at least comprehend them?
I have thought about every thing and every one in my life but I have forgotten my self completely. I live for every one but myself and now even a hard try wont help me much what should I do?
Actually, I knew what my duty is: I have to find my self and as he said, try to develop and develop. I have to start studying and working. To become able of living a life in solitude. but how can I do this? How can I forget those help full people and put them aside?
With studying and develop myself in this way I’ll gain some thing that I won’t lose till the end of my life so it’s more wise able to act in this way but it will be so hard for me. There are people, who I feel so close to, and I love their ideas and I respect their friendly advice so much that I will not be able to forget about them simply. Nevertheless, I cannot think about them as much as I am doing now! I am destroying my life because of them and ………….

2006-04-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

I really love to write sth tonight I am used to this way and I love to write here not in my notebook!
But I don’t know what to write maybe I love to write about the lamentation of my life but I don’t love to think about my sorrow I haven’t thought much about it and I won’t do that, and following my new decision about my life I can’t let myself thinking and writing in my old way.
The realities and facts of this life r showing themselves more and more in the shape of material. Moreover, I am thinking that every thing could be defined as we can observe them and there is no need to hide our ignorance with sth as spirit, soul… and there is no need to think of religious as a saving hand [I don’t believe in any religious and its long time that it has happen to me and I feel so good actually].
Of course it’s my idea without any evidence but it is a long time that I think there is nothing above in sky and all the facts relating to our life is here among all this material we r living in and we have been created from!
Of course, I am not a materialist but it is a fact that I will not be an idealistic person.
My god is here in the earth I am living in

At 10 pm

2006-03-20T04:07:00.000-08:00

We r going to have another new year our lovely Norooze is coming but this year every thing seems so different from what it has been the way I can look at this world and the way I can comprehend and interpret it I feel I got older much more than before and this time I do not need any one to tell it to me and confirm it. I am going to reach to190cm height if every thing goes in its correct way! since last months it has been the only wish of mine!
We have good traditions for Norooz. One of them is that before its arrival we clean all around I can remember that last year I did the same with my room and I tried hard to make some frames for my painting to put them on the wall, on that time there were so important to me and this year I put them in the trash basket, because they were not important any more! It is the way of life
As time passing the most beautiful and important things in ones life lose their beauties and become replace with other things there is only one permanent being in my world: that is absolutely me...

worship or ...

2006-03-19T12:55:00.000-08:00

From very early in history of human life we can find the trace of worshiping in various shapes: moon, star, sun, stone and …..
As their thought grew the shape of idol they worship changed, and it was toward a better state,
Till now, that we reach to a new idol we call it God!
due to advantages in human knowledge we needed sth to match our promotions, that we finally came up with an invisible God with limitless power as our new god?!
I heard that the meaning of the term of god has been created by the human, as a result of finding a worship sense in themselves.
And here is my question:
Can I define the term of worship in this way?
It’s an intense unlimited love toward an unlimited being.
We can find moments in our life when, we were thinking about: who we love the most? Mom, dad, sister, friend …….
Here is the process of reaching to this answer in my life:
First of all I thought I must love one or all above people, but then I realized: it isn’t enough!
I had found an unlimited amount of love in myself, so I must spent it for an unlimited power [being]
Who could be better than God?
So I start to love him more than other things in my life.
{as u see I haven’t worship any thing in my life the great amount of love made me to find a superior existence to spend that love for…..}
Then I got older and I grow bold enough, not afraid of God and realized I love amen the most.
My Reasons:
I could feel her kindness, great attitude toward me, I could feel her existence undoubted and……..
The time passed I grew, on one hand, I realized that I must find and continue my way alone I cant have any contact with those respectful people anymore so I don’t have any one to love!
And on the other hand, I lost my belief in to what people call God, I am passing an ordeal, a painful time that I have no idea how to interpret!
So what should I do with this powerful sense in me?
After losing those lovely people I start thinking about God again of course a new one because I found him the only reliable thing in this world!
But today [Saturday/around2pm/at bus stop] sth new came to me:
I realized there r limitless people those who all the love in this world couldn’t fill them! Of course there aren’t many people with this feature but fortunately I know some of them.
I have been made from a special material, this love is as result of it, and so I must give it to sth the same as me, to make me sure that he/she will understand it.
So if the God is an unlimited & different power from what we are then my love wont suit him so I refused to spend it in vain!
It‘s what I m gonna do I’ll love all things that I can understand their existence and I’ll forget about loving God but I wont forget about the creator of me and the world. I’ll love the entire beautiful things [parts] in this world but for this purpose I need to know what the meaning of beauty is, and who possess it!

the memories of a trip

2006-03-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

In the way to Tehran with parents those who I always try to escape from
I feel so close to the nature and to my wonder it’s so interesting!
This feeling came to me suddenly. Am I a part of this nature? Am I a sister for this big mount or this amazing desert? But I can see, hear, eat … .and more important than all these senses I can love become interested in people or … also I can think! And: I can become excited by the progress after each state of victory.
All these tell me that I must be different from nature not physically but mentally!
Well maybe the truth is this fact that my mind make me different but in aspect of physicality I am the same exactly the same with the nature.
So what is this mind and from where it has came? It’s the one important thing I need to solve before thinking about the beginning and end of this world.
Once I thought the meaning of limitless is meaningless and I thought this word has been created due to our inability. For example the space is one of those unlimited part of this world but we can imagine it in this way: all the space could be defined as a single thing because all its unlimited parts has consisted of material! It’s the real and the single/unique fact of this world.
All these variety is one thing and that one is material!
I think this idea must be reasonable but let’s go back to our thought and our mind.
There r something in the shape of thoughts that cannot be defined with the material definition! Such as the limitless power we call it God. We can’t describe him and I think there r to possibility for this imagination: first, its definition is out of our ability and second there is nothing that can be defined.
Look at all these ruined monuments they seems like a fantasy to me I can’t comprehend them, and the only things I can imagine about them could be this idea that some one has intentionally creates them and they don’t have any existence as they learnt us in history that there is no history except me that I’m the only living creature in this world!!!...and just recently I realized that I’m living as a single creature only for one time and its just me that must direct it and no one else that I must try to gain the best and be care full not lose any part for the sake of any one!
But the way back
After that entire struggle with the unique Hitler of my life for the right of women I can remember only a very interesting hour, I didn’t write that time because I wanted to enjoy the beauties …
Ok at first I could see and realize what you’ve told me about the real light of things in a special time of day (in the way back from Esfahan!) Then a very beautiful rain and nicer than that a wonderful song by the mastersinger of Iran’s music. Well the most important part (maybe in whole of my life) I could realized for a while the beauty of that moment and to my wonder I tried to enjoy it and I realized these beautiful moments are the real meaning of my life that neglecting them means losing a life time (so I have lost a big part till now) I realized I have lived in a dream of a metaphysical purpose and due to that dream I couldn’t pay the necessary attention to my life.
In brief I learned from this imposed trip that I must try to live for every minutes I must try to understand all the beauties or the ugliness of all the moments of my life then I could be hopeful that I didn’t lose any things!

the little mole

2006-03-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

He is living without any problem, he is happy!
But let me to tell u that his life isn’t good at all as he thought!
Let me tell u about the wrong part of his life,
He can’t see as well as we can, everything in front of his eyes is vague shadow!
So as result he can’t observe any thing in the real formation of them,
What do u think about this problem isn’t it a real big problem?
Sure it is who can deny?
It is a real miserable for a living being
Not being able to see all these beauties and at the same time all these ugliness
BUT!?
There is a bigger problem in his life that catches my attention greatly. Maybe yours too!
He is living maybe with a great happiness but
He is not aware of the real beauties,
Of course he must have used to his situation because
It’s the only way he had experienced in his life from his birth day,
But we can understand his misery at least I can feel it greatly and
It makes me sad
More than everything for his unawareness
Well I think what would happen if:
He has the right eyes for observing the nature around him in the real shape if them!
Why he hasn’t got those eyes
Why the creator has treated him this way?
He will live and die but:
He would never realize what the problem with his creation was!
And it seems so painful to me
Because I realized that, maybe the same has happened to me!.....