Strange Experience

I had a strange dream last night. I have seen all the people I have met and all things I have the done in my life during this dream. Moreover, I have experienced my death, I was scare full because I was thinking what would happen for me after dying and I could not realize. I have always though death is something really usual and natural but what I have experienced was frightening. Where I was going? What would happen to me? After that, I dreamed I was falling from sky to earth but when I was going to crash to it, some one put me calmly on the earth and it was when I could feel I am in my bed and sleeping the nightmare was over.

Down

I am coming down and downer. Maybe it is the only important progress in my life.

The way they have grown me; I mean parents, schools [I have experienced many of them in my lifetime] and the religious believes which have been spreading all over my life; In my parents training, the school courses or the friends who has been growing in this routine way and … all this have made me to stay above in the sky and I had no idea that it might be a wrong way in living life.

Nevertheless, I am trying to come down and live where has been built for me. Where can suite my desire and willing. I am trying and I have been successful to some extent, but the best time of my life will be that moment which I could come down completely. When I can feel the earth with my feet closely. When I feel I am a real part of it.

suicide

When I cannot find any reason for living:
Do I have this right to kill myself?
Of course, I haven’t got any special reason for killing myself at moment! Nevertheless, what will happen in future?
Can I kill myself while I can hardly kill a fly!

With the hope of finding the answer of my questions, I started reading book. I read many book in relation to my thought to find my answers. At first, reading that entire book seemed so impossible to me and I thought if I could read them all I could get the reason of…
Now I almost read all what I planed to read and I could not find any answer in them the only things these books have given me is more question and doubt!
To my wonder those books which had won Nobel were worse than others in increasing my doubt. The writer of those books has won a prize because they add much more doubt to this world? It seems so ridicules!
According to the religious believes I can wait for a good life after death but all these are ridicules, I have realized one thing for sure:
I must forget about what this country and religious has learnt me. There is only a single life for me that is what I am performing, it is what I believe. According to this belief, I knew that all these moment, has made my life and nothing else!
Nevertheless, why I can’t use this moment? Why I can’t enjoy them or at least comprehend them?
I have thought about every thing and every one in my life but I have forgotten my self completely. I live for every one but myself and now even a hard try wont help me much what should I do?
Actually, I knew what my duty is: I have to find my self and as he said, try to develop and develop. I have to start studying and working. To become able of living a life in solitude. but how can I do this? How can I forget those help full people and put them aside?
With studying and develop myself in this way I’ll gain some thing that I won’t lose till the end of my life so it’s more wise able to act in this way but it will be so hard for me. There are people, who I feel so close to, and I love their ideas and I respect their friendly advice so much that I will not be able to forget about them simply. Nevertheless, I cannot think about them as much as I am doing now! I am destroying my life because of them and ………….

I really love to write sth tonight I am used to this way and I love to write here not in my notebook!
But I don’t know what to write maybe I love to write about the lamentation of my life but I don’t love to think about my sorrow I haven’t thought much about it and I won’t do that, and following my new decision about my life I can’t let myself thinking and writing in my old way.
The realities and facts of this life r showing themselves more and more in the shape of material. Moreover, I am thinking that every thing could be defined as we can observe them and there is no need to hide our ignorance with sth as spirit, soul… and there is no need to think of religious as a saving hand [I don’t believe in any religious and its long time that it has happen to me and I feel so good actually].
Of course it’s my idea without any evidence but it is a long time that I think there is nothing above in sky and all the facts relating to our life is here among all this material we r living in and we have been created from!
Of course, I am not a materialist but it is a fact that I will not be an idealistic person.
My god is here in the earth I am living in