At 10 pm

We r going to have another new year our lovely Norooze is coming but this year every thing seems so different from what it has been the way I can look at this world and the way I can comprehend and interpret it I feel I got older much more than before and this time I do not need any one to tell it to me and confirm it. I am going to reach to190cm height if every thing goes in its correct way! since last months it has been the only wish of mine!
We have good traditions for Norooz. One of them is that before its arrival we clean all around I can remember that last year I did the same with my room and I tried hard to make some frames for my painting to put them on the wall, on that time there were so important to me and this year I put them in the trash basket, because they were not important any more! It is the way of life
As time passing the most beautiful and important things in ones life lose their beauties and become replace with other things there is only one permanent being in my world: that is absolutely me...…

worship or ...

From very early in history of human life we can find the trace of worshiping in various shapes: moon, star, sun, stone and …..
As their thought grew the shape of idol they worship changed, and it was toward a better state,
Till now, that we reach to a new idol we call it God!
due to advantages in human knowledge we needed sth to match our promotions, that we finally came up with an invisible God with limitless power as our new god?!
I heard that the meaning of the term of god has been created by the human, as a result of finding a worship sense in themselves.
And here is my question:
Can I define the term of worship in this way?
It’s an intense unlimited love toward an unlimited being.
We can find moments in our life when, we were thinking about: who we love the most? Mom, dad, sister, friend …….
Here is the process of reaching to this answer in my life:
First of all I thought I must love one or all above people, but then I realized: it isn’t enough!
I had found an unlimited amount of love in myself, so I must spent it for an unlimited power [being]
Who could be better than God?
So I start to love him more than other things in my life.
{as u see I haven’t worship any thing in my life the great amount of love made me to find a superior existence to spend that love for…..}
Then I got older and I grow bold enough, not afraid of God and realized I love amen the most.
My Reasons:
I could feel her kindness, great attitude toward me, I could feel her existence undoubted and……..
The time passed I grew, on one hand, I realized that I must find and continue my way alone I cant have any contact with those respectful people anymore so I don’t have any one to love!
And on the other hand, I lost my belief in to what people call God, I am passing an ordeal, a painful time that I have no idea how to interpret!
So what should I do with this powerful sense in me?
After losing those lovely people I start thinking about God again of course a new one because I found him the only reliable thing in this world!
But today [Saturday/around2pm/at bus stop] sth new came to me:
I realized there r limitless people those who all the love in this world couldn’t fill them! Of course there aren’t many people with this feature but fortunately I know some of them.
I have been made from a special material, this love is as result of it, and so I must give it to sth the same as me, to make me sure that he/she will understand it.
So if the God is an unlimited & different power from what we are then my love wont suit him so I refused to spend it in vain!
It‘s what I m gonna do I’ll love all things that I can understand their existence and I’ll forget about loving God but I wont forget about the creator of me and the world. I’ll love the entire beautiful things [parts] in this world but for this purpose I need to know what the meaning of beauty is, and who possess it!

the memories of a trip

In the way to Tehran with parents those who I always try to escape from
I feel so close to the nature and to my wonder it’s so interesting!
This feeling came to me suddenly. Am I a part of this nature? Am I a sister for this big mount or this amazing desert? But I can see, hear, eat … .and more important than all these senses I can love become interested in people or … also I can think! And: I can become excited by the progress after each state of victory.
All these tell me that I must be different from nature not physically but mentally!
Well maybe the truth is this fact that my mind make me different but in aspect of physicality I am the same exactly the same with the nature.
So what is this mind and from where it has came? It’s the one important thing I need to solve before thinking about the beginning and end of this world.
Once I thought the meaning of limitless is meaningless and I thought this word has been created due to our inability. For example the space is one of those unlimited part of this world but we can imagine it in this way: all the space could be defined as a single thing because all its unlimited parts has consisted of material! It’s the real and the single/unique fact of this world.
All these variety is one thing and that one is material!
I think this idea must be reasonable but let’s go back to our thought and our mind.
There r something in the shape of thoughts that cannot be defined with the material definition! Such as the limitless power we call it God. We can’t describe him and I think there r to possibility for this imagination: first, its definition is out of our ability and second there is nothing that can be defined.
Look at all these ruined monuments they seems like a fantasy to me I can’t comprehend them, and the only things I can imagine about them could be this idea that some one has intentionally creates them and they don’t have any existence as they learnt us in history that there is no history except me that I’m the only living creature in this world!!!...and just recently I realized that I’m living as a single creature only for one time and its just me that must direct it and no one else that I must try to gain the best and be care full not lose any part for the sake of any one!
But the way back
After that entire struggle with the unique Hitler of my life for the right of women I can remember only a very interesting hour, I didn’t write that time because I wanted to enjoy the beauties …
Ok at first I could see and realize what you’ve told me about the real light of things in a special time of day (in the way back from Esfahan!) Then a very beautiful rain and nicer than that a wonderful song by the mastersinger of Iran’s music. Well the most important part (maybe in whole of my life) I could realized for a while the beauty of that moment and to my wonder I tried to enjoy it and I realized these beautiful moments are the real meaning of my life that neglecting them means losing a life time (so I have lost a big part till now) I realized I have lived in a dream of a metaphysical purpose and due to that dream I couldn’t pay the necessary attention to my life.
In brief I learned from this imposed trip that I must try to live for every minutes I must try to understand all the beauties or the ugliness of all the moments of my life then I could be hopeful that I didn’t lose any things!

the little mole

He is living without any problem, he is happy!
But let me to tell u that his life isn’t good at all as he thought!
Let me tell u about the wrong part of his life,
He can’t see as well as we can, everything in front of his eyes is vague shadow!
So as result he can’t observe any thing in the real formation of them,
What do u think about this problem isn’t it a real big problem?
Sure it is who can deny?
It is a real miserable for a living being
Not being able to see all these beauties and at the same time all these ugliness
BUT!?
There is a bigger problem in his life that catches my attention greatly. Maybe yours too!
He is living maybe with a great happiness but
He is not aware of the real beauties,
Of course he must have used to his situation because
It’s the only way he had experienced in his life from his birth day,
But we can understand his misery at least I can feel it greatly and
It makes me sad
More than everything for his unawareness
Well I think what would happen if:
He has the right eyes for observing the nature around him in the real shape if them!
Why he hasn’t got those eyes
Why the creator has treated him this way?
He will live and die but:
He would never realize what the problem with his creation was!
And it seems so painful to me
Because I realized that, maybe the same has happened to me!.....